Although cultural expectations are shifting and men are now being encouraged to be vulnerable, many men feel conflicted about what they can actually share with their partners, friends and families. These recent societal changes have not undone the years of messaging that men should toughen up and put on a stoic face for others. 

In my experience, many men intellectually know that it’s acceptable to have worries, anxieties, and uncomfortable feelings, but deep down, they still feel bound by the belief that “real men solve their own problems.” So, they often keep their concerns to themselves and try all sorts of strategies to fix their problems, and short of finding the right solution, they resort to ways to escape or numb. This can leave them feeling empty, depressed, and lonely in their relationships, and this pattern can become so automatic that many men feel anxious and flat all of the time, without really knowing how they got there.

Therapy can be especially helpful for men because it gives them the chance to honestly voice their concerns with a neutral party. Very often, there’s significant relief in naming one’s anxieties out loud, rather than keeping them endlessly looping in one’s mind. In therapy, men can deeply and strategically examine their concerns with a specialist who can bring new perspectives and push the conversation further. They can build the skills they need to understand themselves and identify their true needs so that they don’t have to feel like they’re always scrambling to feel better. No longer strangers to themselves, men can carry this self-awareness and self-assurance into the rest of their lives.

The great thing about therapy is that you’re free to discuss anything that matters to you. Really. Anything. There’s nothing you can bring up that is too big, too small, or too taboo. 

Men often seek therapy to address anxiety, depression, anger and irritability, loneliness, financial and/or work-related stress, relationship difficulties, dating questions, sexual concerns, challenges related to fatherhood, self-doubt, and more. 

Many men struggle with high-functioning anxiety. People with high-functioning anxiety are often high-achieving and successful, and on the surface, appear to be doing quite well in both their professional and personal lives. They are often hard-working, diligent, detail-oriented, type-A, and committed to being the best they can be.  

Underneath their achievements, however, people with high-functioning anxiety often feel very stressed. They regularly worry about maintaining their performance and pleasing others. They feel like imposters and may feel shut off in their relationships because they’re preoccupied with fears of disappointing others. Other common signs of high-functioning anxiety are overthinking, procrastination, having an extremely busy schedule, disturbed sleep/insomnia, difficulty saying ‘no’ to others, and struggling to relax in the present moment. 

Feeling irritable and angry are common signs of anxiety, especially in people experiencing high-functioning anxiety. Often times, a person with high-functioning anxiety operates with the belief that they can—and must—do it all; they expect themselves to be excellent in their work, as well as in their roles as friends, partners, parents, etc. Because they have proven themselves to be highly capable, they often prioritize the needs of others (e.g., employer, partner, children) and minimize their own, telling themselves to just tough it out for the sake of the goal at hand. High-achievers can also keep such busy schedules that they can hardly find the time to identify their own needs or feelings. 

Unfortunately, this achievement-focused strategy comes at a cost. When we try to ignore or minimize our needs and feelings, or feel too anxious to make them known in our relationships, they don’t simply go away—they often build up until we cannot take it any longer, and this often ends in an outburst of anger. It can be helpful to think of anger as a “secondary emotion,” or a feeling that emerges in response to other unexpressed emotions. When we are are too anxious or too busy to understand our feelings, which is often the case with high-performers, our emotional experience can become largely confined to anger and irritability.